My Struggle with Myself

It is a struggle to stand in front of the mirror and say that I’m fine. It’s a struggle to smile even when I know it’s hurting me inside. It’s hard to contain my anger when someone does something in a way I dislike. It’s a struggle to accept that I don’t have control over what you do. It’s a struggle when someone tells me they love me or care for me. It’s a struggle when my emotions get the better of me and control every inch of my being. It’s a struggle to know that I’ll never be who I want to be. It’s a struggle when I see others happy and wonder what’s wrong with my life. It’s a struggle when someone asks me why am I so upset when I have everything in my life.

 

Lies. My eyes lie to you. My smile is a lie. My happiness is a lie.

I’m dead on the inside. There’s a black shadow that haunts me every night that tells me I don’t deserve my life. It tells me to give up on the things that I want, or aspire to be. It tells me that every single person around me is a cheater. It tells me that love and care is a deception. Even if they existed, I wasn’t deserving enough. It tells me to start counting my days because the end is near.

 

And it’s true. You can’t run away from the truth, can you?

How long will I keep lying to myself that everything will get better?

When there isn’t anything to gain,

When you know you’ve reached the end.

And I’m trying to lose it all, only to find myself.

 

If I could buy time, I’d fight all these struggles.

If only I could buy time.

I don’t know where I went wrong, but I know it’s not because of one mistake, one action, one decision.

There had to have been many; I was either too young to realise it or was too late to rectify it.

 

But all I know is that I’ve reached the end.

I’ve lied to myself all this while.

And I have regrets about so many things, but I don’t have enough time to repent for them.

A.D.

Red, like the colour of love

Red, like the first rays of the Sun;

Red, like the colour of blood;

 

You have a very special place in my life.

When I met you for the first time, it was very different from the others.

I told you that I wanted to say sorry to you even though I didn’t know who you were.

I had no compulsions but I wanted to do it anyway.

I never did things unplanned,

but with you, every moment is different.

I don’t need you, but I want to have you.

And for me, that is different.

I know I can exist without you, but I also know it’s 200 times better when it’s with you.

For the first time, I am leaning on to someone and I don’t feel like I am going to cling on to you.

That’s why I got scared the other day.
I realised that it was my past fears tearing me away.

I talk about my fears openly with you, and I know you can use them to hurt me.

But I’m still not afraid.

You could hurt me, and I would still stand there

You’re not a part of me, but you’re a part of my life.

That’s what you are, and that’s why I wouldn’t hurt you.

Because you made me find the love where freedom and independence existed, along with trust and belongingness.

So yes, I would die a million deaths, but I wouldn’t hurt you or let anyone hurt you.

 

Yours truly,

Black.

Ashmita

I had set my mind to become the bridge between the two of you that very day you told me how much she meant to you

I still remember the affection in your eyes when you locked your eyes with hers

I still remember the smile on your face every time you spoke to me about her

I knew that those eyes of yours would never reflect the love you have for her on me

I knew that I would never be the reason for that wide smile across your cheeks

Love is not about possession

Love is unconditional

In the name of love, I decided to let you go

In the name of love, I mustered the courage to unite you with the one your heart beats for

Perhaps, I knew what it felt like to watch your love silently from afar

And perhaps I knew what it felt like to be a one-sided lover

After all, I have walked through that lane far too many times

From that day, you became the beneficiary of my benevolence

Every time I saw you with her, I died a little inside

Yet, I never let you know how I was shattering a little from time to time

I can’t deny that I still want you

Nor can I deny that she belongs with you

How was it my fault that I fell in love with you?

How was it my fault that I found solace from a glimpse of you?

All I wanted was to immerse myself in the arms of someone I could call home

But I never knew that it would end up breaking me just so much.

Samiha

Happy

I don’t want to write about you. But I don’t get to control what bleeds onto that white sheet. The blue ink is a reflection of everything I’m afraid to admit. My pen knows what my heart refuses to acknowledge and does a better job at revealing all my emotions. A writer’s pen is foolish, I’d say. It lets out things that are supposed to be kept buried deep down in our hearts.
Isn’t it strange? How everything I try to do connects to you towards the end and yet how disconnected we are right now.
Isn’t all of this strange? It’s not that we don’t care anymore but tell me  — was it necessary for you to make me feel like an option? Maybe you’ll ignore this too, like the messages and calls, and just pretend to be busy. So, I guess, I have to answer all these questions by myself.
Yes, it’s strange! And I guess I will never get an honest answer from you. So, this will be my last goodbye to those probabilities and ‘what if’ thoughts.
As I smile and tie the last knot, I take a deep breath and stand up to examine my work. I smile again.
No. I didn’t tie you down to random things. I didn’t weigh you down with random prejudices. It isn’t because I’m bitter. It isn’t because I’ve been hurt too many times to realise what a good thing you are. It’s all your lies that are weighing you down. And I am removing them from myself and tying them to you instead. Just remember as I push you off my ship…
The only thing weighing you down is your own lies and fallacies. All of your empty promises.
All of your twisted logic — all those things which used to keep me all tied up in knots.
Now, they are the knots in your rope. Maybe, one day, you will wriggle free.
Maybe, one day, you will swim up to the surface.
But, my ship will be long gone. I plan to sail off into the sunset, far from you, and the water made fetid by your presence. Your poison.
I do not wish for you to drown. I wish for you to reach the surface and breathe deep. I wish for you to build your own ship. I wish for you to find joy.
I just wish you didn’t build it with planks and nails of the pain of someone else. I just wish not to have my sad sighs filling your sails. I just wish… I wish you knew how to be happy without another’s pain.

A.D.

She Left

She left.

She left everything behind. She crossed cities, small towns and state lines.

She left behind frayed friendships and mistakes and love gone terribly wrong.

She left it all behind in the blink of an eye.

Continue reading “She Left”

Adulting

From losing a 10-year-old friendship to making new friends within 10 days is a big task.

From having the whole class to play with to having no one to sit beside you is a big pain.

From liking every new song that comes on to being stuck on the same old playlist is a big change.

Continue reading “Adulting”

I’d Never Know…

I lost you when I was 9, and now, I’ll never know what it truly feels like to be loved. Whenever anyone came close, I pushed them away or hurt them tremendously because I could never forget what happened to you. That memory of you is etched on my mind like a permanent scar. On that date every year,  it’s painful; almost as if you were pulling strings of my heart. There is immense love there, but it hurts now. Is there a way to stop that pain? I know everyone has to leave someday but is it necessary to feel the pain for a lifetime? Will I ever, ever be happy without your memories? You should have taken your memories with you, shouldn’t you? Who would have known that what seemed to be the most naive yet most wonderful time of my life was soon to be followed by such tragedy? I’m sorry but your memories have become a curse for me now; it’s almost like, though you were the one who was gone, I am the one who died.

A.D.