My Struggle with Myself

It is a struggle to stand in front of the mirror and say that I’m fine. It’s a struggle to smile even when I know it’s hurting me inside. It’s hard to contain my anger when someone does something in a way I dislike. It’s a struggle to accept that I don’t have control over what you do. It’s a struggle when someone tells me they love me or care for me. It’s a struggle when my emotions get the better of me and control every inch of my being. It’s a struggle to know that I’ll never be who I want to be. It’s a struggle when I see others happy and wonder what’s wrong with my life. It’s a struggle when someone asks me why am I so upset when I have everything in my life.

 

Lies. My eyes lie to you. My smile is a lie. My happiness is a lie.

I’m dead on the inside. There’s a black shadow that haunts me every night that tells me I don’t deserve my life. It tells me to give up on the things that I want, or aspire to be. It tells me that every single person around me is a cheater. It tells me that love and care is a deception. Even if they existed, I wasn’t deserving enough. It tells me to start counting my days because the end is near.

 

And it’s true. You can’t run away from the truth, can you?

How long will I keep lying to myself that everything will get better?

When there isn’t anything to gain,

When you know you’ve reached the end.

And I’m trying to lose it all, only to find myself.

 

If I could buy time, I’d fight all these struggles.

If only I could buy time.

I don’t know where I went wrong, but I know it’s not because of one mistake, one action, one decision.

There had to have been many; I was either too young to realise it or was too late to rectify it.

 

But all I know is that I’ve reached the end.

I’ve lied to myself all this while.

And I have regrets about so many things, but I don’t have enough time to repent for them.

A.D.

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