Happy

I don’t want to write about you. But I don’t get to control what bleeds onto that white sheet. The blue ink is a reflection of everything I’m afraid to admit. My pen knows what my heart refuses to acknowledge and does a better job at revealing all my emotions. A writer’s pen is foolish, I’d say. It lets out things that are supposed to be kept buried deep down in our hearts.
Isn’t it strange? How everything I try to do connects to you towards the end and yet how disconnected we are right now.
Isn’t all of this strange? It’s not that we don’t care anymore but tell me  — was it necessary for you to make me feel like an option? Maybe you’ll ignore this too, like the messages and calls, and just pretend to be busy. So, I guess, I have to answer all these questions by myself.
Yes, it’s strange! And I guess I will never get an honest answer from you. So, this will be my last goodbye to those probabilities and ‘what if’ thoughts.
As I smile and tie the last knot, I take a deep breath and stand up to examine my work. I smile again.
No. I didn’t tie you down to random things. I didn’t weigh you down with random prejudices. It isn’t because I’m bitter. It isn’t because I’ve been hurt too many times to realise what a good thing you are. It’s all your lies that are weighing you down. And I am removing them from myself and tying them to you instead. Just remember as I push you off my ship…
The only thing weighing you down is your own lies and fallacies. All of your empty promises.
All of your twisted logic — all those things which used to keep me all tied up in knots.
Now, they are the knots in your rope. Maybe, one day, you will wriggle free.
Maybe, one day, you will swim up to the surface.
But, my ship will be long gone. I plan to sail off into the sunset, far from you, and the water made fetid by your presence. Your poison.
I do not wish for you to drown. I wish for you to reach the surface and breathe deep. I wish for you to build your own ship. I wish for you to find joy.
I just wish you didn’t build it with planks and nails of the pain of someone else. I just wish not to have my sad sighs filling your sails. I just wish… I wish you knew how to be happy without another’s pain.

A.D.

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