I thought I would suffer, that my heart would be anguished with the loss of you. Or worse, maybe it would stop beating altogether.
Maybe without you, I would simply cease to exist.
I thought I would become adrift, for you had been the anchor I had formed my identity upon, the compass I had relied on for my direction. I thought without you I would become lost, disoriented.
I had expected to taste salty tears as they fell upon lips that once spoke so fondly of you; that my head would lay on my pillow damp with tears for as many nights as the moon continued to kiss the stars.
But one day, I just knew.
I hadn’t expected such a feeling of relief as I cut the ropes that once shackled me to you. One instant of tremendous clarity. One instant, where I finally knew.
I no longer needed you.
I no longer needed your opinion of me, your affirmation, your approval.
I no longer needed your judgments, your criticisms, your condemnations.
I no longer needed your expectations I could never meet; your hoops too high to jump through, your goal posts that shifted with every changing breeze.
I no longer needed your blame, your excuses, your justifications.
I no longer needed your pseudo love, fraught with conditions and attached with strings.
I thought I needed you. I didn’t.
I thought it would be hard to let you go. It wasn’t.
I thought I would miss you. I don’t.
For in one instant my heart was awakened to the truth of who I am.
I am more than the lies you made believe about myself. I am more than the look of failure in your eyes when I fell short of your demands. I am more than how worthless you made me feel. I am more than the ways you tried to break me.
I am a warrior, sculpted by the hands of creation, fashioned into being by the very hands that created the oceans and the stars and the mountains and air.
I am strong, I am brave, I am wise. I am gentle of spirit with the heart of a lioness.
I am creative, passionate, sensitive, and kind. I am of open heart and an open mind. I am powerful, generous, thoughtful, daring, empathetic, raw, complex, courageous, understanding, forgiving.
I am everything you are not.
I will no longer carry the shame you made me suffer under the weight of.
That shame belongs to you….
Ashmita
